Pregnancy sucked for me, but I know it sucks for a lot of people and I also know how many women there are with aching hearts wanting to have children (with them on this earth) that have either miscarried, could never conceive, lost babies to SIDS, and so on. I never felt justified to complain or to post anything about the negatives of pregnancy because of this. I knew of the blessing it was to be able to carry a baby in me, and for that I was always so incredibly grateful. That's what kept me going through the sickness, anxiety, and worries. But you see I didn't feel cut out to be a Mom, I didn't feel deserving that I could carry a baby when some of my friends couldn't, I didn't think I would like it-let alone handle it...I was hanging onto all the negative stories I heard of parenthood/motherhood and expected absolute hell. I didn't think I could leave my house for 6-8 weeks after having her (based on other people's experiences) so we stocked up on every household item imaginable; I started working when we moved here so that I had a job I could go to after having her. We wanted a boy; I feared a girl for her hating me, resenting me, and being my biggest pointer outter of all my flaws. I was sick, so sick. I was so mad that I was sick well beyond the famous 14 weeks when many women start to feel better. We planned to hire a nanny. We planned all the things for all the worst case scenarios. I knew I was negative, not myself, and not in the least bit excited. But! Then the ultrasounds started where I could really see her, and I started to get a very small glimpse of excitement. These moments were always overtaken with my fears, but they were there.
But the moment she entered this world is a feeling I will never forget. All of those fears, anxieties, and stresses left me and were replaced with complete and immense joy and love. That feeling seeing her for the first time is completely indescribable. She was instantly ours and Ian and I instantly fell into the most loveliest, deepest, and sweetest love we have ever known. Both balling our eyes out, we looked at each other and knew that everything I had felt prior completely vanished. It has been my absolute greatest joy taking care of you sweet girl. We truly look forward to every day with you and bask in all the spit up, blowouts, and crowd fearing breastfeeding. Your Daddy said last night that you could throw up in my mouth and I'd be happy. While that might not be the case, the love we have for you is truly out of this world and I know it's the best dose we could have been given to be given a glimpse of Heavenly Father's love for you. I have never felt closer to the Lord since having you and always remind myself when you wake up in the middle of the night that YAY! You are alive, SIDS didn't get to you, you are still here and still ours, and we will bask in every moment we are given with you. When things do get hard, I remind myself of all the women that yearn to have babies or lost theirs to something they couldn't control so that I squeeze you a little tighter and enjoy even all the hard times too. I look back on how I felt being pregnant with you and feel bad feeling all those things when I could have enjoyed that time more and with how perfect you are now that you are here. I want to shout from all the rooftops how truly amazing being a Mom is and how I would do that all over again a million times so I could have you. I am the absolute opposite of everything I feared and am sooooooo grateful for that. I now quit my job so I can just be with you and am happy to report that I left the house every single day since coming home from the hospital (didn't have to wait dreaded weeks before leaving). At times I still feel undeserving of being your Mom and still fear when you are older that you will resent me and hate me and all of those things, but Heavenly Father has also blessed me with so many mother-daughter experiences that have given me hope of Moms and daughters that I have met since having you that are the best of friends. I love you so dang much and can't wait to watch you grow and evolve into the women the Lord intended for you to be. Now I just need to figure out how to slow down time or keep you as a baby forever;)
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AuthorHey I'm Andrea, a brand new Mom who is completely obsessed with my baby. Thanks for stopping by! Categories
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April 2021
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